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I Know Why I’ll Never Be Rich

Because I’m not a cheap bastard. Not all cheap bastards are rich, but I’d venture to say most rich people are cheap bastards. Except for Mr. Gates. He seems to do nice stuff with his money.

I came across this epiphany one day while working at the Country Club. There’s an old couple, Mr. and Mrs. E. Mr. E will be turning 100 this year. Believe me with I say they are loaded. So a couple of weeks ago, they were dining at the Country Club and we ended up discussing places to buy a cake for Mr. E’s birthday. (As a side note, Mrs. E is pretty controlling and is significantly younger, 85. Hey, when you’re 100 years old, you tell me if you think that 85 isn’t significantly younger!!) Mrs. E didn’t know where to go to buy a cake. I recommended a local bakery that I think is very good and very reasonable in their prices. Then I recommended another bakery, MM, to which she said, “Oh, no, they are too expensive.” Too expensive? TOO EXPENSIVE?? Your husband is turning 100 freaking years old!! He won’t every be turning 100 again, and frankly, lady, you’ll be lucky if you can celebrate his 101st birthday.

So then Mrs. E proceeds to wonder aloud if perhaps Costco would be willing to deliver a birthday cake. Granted, they’ll need a couple of sheet cakes, but the Costco in our area is the third largest grossing Costco store in all the country (Hawaii included – which happens to be number one). The top grossing store will often do $1 million in sales in one day. Figuring that we’re number three, let’s say that we only do $750,000 in sales per day. The $200 she might spend at Costco for her stupid cake would be a drop in the bucket. They’re a freaking warehouse! They do not have the staff to deliver, and I highly doubt that your $200 would be very motivating!

So after this story, why did I come to the conclusion that I will never be rich? Because if my husband ever turns 100 years old, I’m buying the best freaking cake I can afford. It’s just money, after all.

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