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Overheard at Granny’s House

I went to visit my grandma and my aunt this weekend. I left on Friday and came back Sunday (yesterday). My grandma’s 91, and my aunt is almost 70.

They’re old.

I decided that after I got married, I would do my best to visit every other month, since…well, since my grandma’s 91.

How do I say this? Sometimes my grandma…and my aunt, say things that are…inappropriate. I figure I’m not the only one who has to listen to old relatives saying things they shouldn’t say, so I thought I’d regale you here with the best of the best from this past weekend, and hopefully you’ll share some stories, too. Please understand that since my grandma’s 91, when she says things like this, I ignore her. I do not agree with her, but it’s not worth starting an argument with a 91-year-old lady.

Have I mentioned my grandma’s 91?

My aunt, on the other hand, I think she should know better, so I’ll call her on some of the things she says. Not everything, because sometimes it’s not worth it, but sometimes she needs to be told that she’s wrong. I pick and choose my battles.

With that said…please read all of this in an old lady voice, whatever that sounds like to you.

From my grandma, “You know, one thing I’ve never liked about Mexicans is their music.”

To set up for this next quote, you have to know that Sarah Palin was giving a speech in the town my grandma and aunt live in, and the speech was to take place in a public park, but you had to make reservations (I don’t know that you had  to make reservations, but I think they wanted you to so they had an idea of how many people were coming).

From my aunt, “Did you know you have to make reservations  to see Sarah Palin? And it’s in a public place ! Those Republicans just do whatever they want.”

From my aunt, “I can’t believe they’re not providing chairs to the people who are seeing Sarah Palin. Can you believe they’re making them stand ?”

And finally, again, from my aunt, “Did you know you have to complain to get anything done in this city? The city workers will drive by a trailer that’s been parked on the street for months, but you have to complain to get anything done about it.”

Okay, your turn. What appalling things have you overheard at granny’s house?

| Tags: , , , , 19 comments »

19 Responses to “Overheard at Granny’s House”

  1. Becky

    Shit, my grandparents have been dead for years (I’m an OOPS baby). But hmm…..I have kids. Who say dumb crap. Like this:

    “I gave him my Crocs thingy because he said he liked it.”

    *blink, blink, blink*


  2. softdrink

    My granny is 93. And she was born and raised in Mississippi. I’ll just leave it at that.


  3. Corinne

    My sweet grandma is nearly 82 and I remember her telling me about the neighborhood in Chicago she grew up in (Cicero – then a completely Czech neighborhood, apparently) and how now it’s “taken over by Hispanics, such a shame.” DANG Grandma!


  4. Debbie

    I think sweet, elderly grandparents are how the word *cringe* became part of our vocabulary. What have they not said? Last year my elderly aunt went with me to see my daughter in the marching band at a football game. As our star player’s family walked out of the stands, I pointed them out to her. (Because this kid is pretty phenomenal with a football). She took one look at them, then announced,”You can tell they don’t have enough money for him to be in the band – I bet that is why he has to play football instead”. *cringe*


  5. Kim L

    OMG do I have a grandmother like that. She isn’t really that nice and sweet usually, though, she’s actually quite cranky a lot of the time, but every once in a while we have a pleasant conversation.

    She’s really anti-everything. And as a life-long democrat, she’s voting for McCain this year. Because…. well, she fits into that percentage of voters who still list race as a factor in their voting. Yeah.


  6. lisamm

    Her: “I saw Randy at the funeral. You know, he married a lovely girl.”

    Me: That’s nice. Who’s Randy, again?

    Her: “Oh, you know. He’s Mitzi’s son in law’s brother. The one who broke his nose last year? Anyway, he had on this beautiful green silk tie, and I mentioned how the shade of it reminded me of this lovely dress I wore to Dina’s wedding years ago.”

    Me: And Dina is…??

    Her: “Dina’s my great niece! You know Dina!”

    Me: Um, no, I don’t. I don’t think I ever met her.

    Her: “Oh, I’m quite sure you did, you just don’t remember! Well, anyway, Sarah was saying how she was at an estate sale last week, and she found this wonderful piece of Revereware..”

    Me: (afraid to ask) And Sarah is…??

    Her: “Are you LISTENING? Why do I even bother talking??”

    Me: (soooo patiently) I AM listening. I’m trying to follow along but I don’t know who Sarah is..

    Her: (in a huff) “Well I told you, she’s married to Randy!”

    Me: Actually you didn’t tell me, but go on..

    Etc. etc. etc. Ugh.


  7. Alyce

    My 80-year-old grandmother on the day we were moving her out of her old trailer into a new one.

    She just realized we were going through her things in her bedroom, and then, bad knee and all, she goes running across the room yelling, “Oh no, my vibrator!” 🙂 Still makes me laugh out loud.

    On the flip side, she thinks that the races shouldn’t mix, that they should stay separate. I always wanted to show up at my grandparents house on a date with a black man just to see the looks on their faces. Unfortunately there were no black men in our small town.


  8. thisredhead

    My husband’s grandmother lives in Texas. She still refers to people as “colored” although, other than that, she seems pretty not-racist. It still makes me cringe.

    My OWN grandmother is quite a piece of work, let me tell you.

    She used to regularly go on and on about how fat I was. THEN, she’d be like “You can have this one LAST bowl of REAL ice cream.” When I finished “Now, you HAVE to eat THIS bowl.” And she’d put Healthy Choice ice cream in front of me (remember, this is back when it was super super nasty). As I was eating it – uncomfortably, at this point – she’d say things like “You better learn to like this, because THIS is what fatsos eat.” (… which is why it was in your fridge, grandma?) I’ve watched her do this to almost all of my female cousins – even the skinny ones – at one point or another.


  9. Jena

    I was in high school, there to mow their lawn, when some guests dropped by. Everyone was wrapped up in the OJ Simpson murder trial. And a guest at my grandparents’ house expressed this opinion: Well, that’s what happens when you marry a black man. Or something along those lines.

    I think my jaw must’ve dropped. I think I told her I couldn’t believe she just said that. She told me that she knew I’d never consider marrying–nay, dating–a black man (implying I’d been raised better than that). I insisted that I really would, if I thought he interesting enough to date. And there was this silence; clearly no one knew what to say. So I finished my juice and went out to finish mowing the lawn.

    I like to think Grandma wasn’t mortified by my behavior, but I suspect that might be wishful thinking.


  10. Ladytink_534

    My step-dad’s mom is 91 too (and she has 7 kids!). My grandma recently passed away but she was a spitfire! You name it, she had said it at one point or another.


  11. curlywurlygurly

    my great-aunt is 99…and feisty as ever. she still rakes her yard and putters around the house.

    a few years ago, a relative we didn’t really see much (or LIKE) passed away. i didn’t want to go inside for the wake and waited in the car for my mother–i didn’t know this evil woman very well.

    the next thing i know, my great-aunt sidled up to the car, knocked on my window, and said with a sly grin, “Natalie, Aunt Shelly (the dead relative) is waiting inside to see you.”

    OH MY. my aging aunt was making DEAD PEOPLE JOKES.


  12. Jessica

    EVERY SINGLE TIME that I see my Nana she says “ohhh look! You’re showing”

    I have NOT been pregnant is years.


  13. Jessica

    One of my grandmothers was a Portuguese immigrant, back in the 1920s when that was definitely considered another race. The other was in a mixed-race relationship for 7 years after she and my grandpa split up. But she does like to say stuff like: “What’s that on your face? Oh, it’s a blemish!” when I have a zit.


  14. Anna

    My grandmother just turned 90 in June. I can’t attribute her inappropriate comments to her being old because she’s always made inappropriate comments. Then again, she’s been old as long as I can remember. 😉

    My favorite quote from my gram was when I was younger. We were watching Star Search. (Anyone remember that show?) There were kids dancing. Gram says, “You could never be on that show. You’re too husky.” And with nicknames like “Crisco fat in the can,” I think all my disorders are easily explained.


  15. Ti

    My husband’s Grandpa is no longer around but I will never forget the day that we came to visit and their cable had gotten scrambled somehow.

    We walked in and they were talking loudly about whatever had just happened. Apparently, someone made a mistake with their cable and when they restored it, they were getting Adult channels..aka PORNOS.

    That in itself is funny.. just to see their faces at all the grunting and groaning on screen but what really made it funny was what they said to us when we walked in:

    “Gosh darnit! That damn cable company is giving us PRO-NOS!”

    I just about died.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane.


  16. melanie

    Forget grandparents – my dad & K’s dad have been known to talk very loudly at my sons’ baseball games about how inept his teammates are. AAAAAHHHH.
    So we now stand far far away from other people when they come to “cheer” on the littles’ teams.
    It’s really lovely.


  17. Rebecca

    My grandparents are certifiably bat-shit crazy. They live in a very small town in south Georgia (which is a good thing, because they’re not fit to go anywhere where people know better), and they’re pretty convinced that young black men wearing saggy pants are a sign of the coming apocalypse.

    They say appalling things all the time. My 90-year-old grandfather still thinks it’s OK to use the N word during family conversations (though he did, thank goodness, figure out that he can’t say it in public anymore), and he just about passed out when we once had a conversation about how Moses was most likely black (or at least olive skinned) and Jesus was definitely not white. He thinks he’s a democrat (god only knows why), and he can’t decide who to vote for now because he doesn’t think a black man or a woman belong in the White House. It’s charming, I know.

    The best, though, is when my grandmother, who is the really crazy one, goes off on some unsuspecting sales clerk who has done nothing wrong (this happens frequently) and after throwing a twenty minute tantrum, turns to walk out and wishes the girl, in her best sweet little old lady voice, to “have a blessed day.”

    Love it.


  18. Elizabeth

    My great grandma consistently referred to my aunt as “The Big One” – my aunt is 5’2″, and about 120 lbs.

    My grandma (mom’s mom) gets meaner every year – no one will go out to eat with her anymore, because if the waiter/waitress makes the mistake of walking up to the table and saying “Hi guys”, my grandma will refer to him/her by the opposite gender all night long – because she’s not a guy, dangit!

    My other grandma (dad’s mom) is 97, and can’t hear, and frankly doesn’t care anymore. Last year my brother got married, and at the front of the church auditorium they had a banner of some kind with a rainbow on it. During the rehersal, at a very quiet moment, my grandma commented – loudly – “Hmmm, this must be one of those fruity churches. You know, with men on men.”


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