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Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Part 1

I say the worst things.

When I first started working at my current job, I was walking with two co-workers to get lunch at Baja Fresh. We ran into someone that my co-workers knew but who I’d not yet met. After chatting for a while, one of the friends said:

“Well you’re looking very svelte. Have you lost weight?”

“Yes, but not the way you’re supposed to.”

Here’s where my brilliant mouth jumps in. “What? Are you anorexic?”

Without even looking at me, he says, “My wife died two weeks ago.”

If any of you wonder why I’m so nice, it’s because I have a lifetime of comments like that to make up for.

Let’s commiserate. What lame comments have you made? Have you asked a woman if she’s pregnant only to find out she’s not? Please, only one gaff per person. I’ve got at least two more feet I stuck in my mouth, at which time you can regale me with more of your stories. 😉

| Tags: 19 comments »

19 Responses to “Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Part 1”

  1. lisamm

    I say stupid things on a regular basis, but what leapt to mind when reading yours was this:

    I’d been trying diligently for weeks to get this huge potential client to meet with me. I was an outside sales rep for a big employment service and he was using my competitor. I knew our service was better and I made all kinds of offers for free temps for his office in the hope that he would give us a try. Finally he agreed to see me. When the moment came I entered his office wearing a new suit, with a well-rehearsed pitch and a huge smile on my face. I stuck out my hand and said, “Mr. Jones, it’s so nice to meet me!”

    He was a little startled but laughed and said, “Why yes it is!” LOL

    I realized my mistake immediately, turned 6 shades of red and couldn’t stop apologizing. Thank God the man had a sense of humor!

    PS I got the account.

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  2. donstuff

    Not me, but…
    A friend of mine saw his wife talking to a man at a party and walked over. As he walked up, my friend said “Watch it! She can talk your ear off.” The man turned and (of course) was missing one ear.

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  3. monnibo

    Omg what happened after that?

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  4. veens

    Oh Crap 😀 I am sorry – but that was so Funny 😀

    What happened after that?!

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  5. bybee

    1. When I was pregnant, I asked a customer at work when she was due. She wasn’t.

    2. I referred to a woman my husband worked with as being “grandmother age”. She wasn’t — just had prematurely gray hair.

    3. To my mother-in-law, about a week after my sister-in-law attempted suicide: “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I forgot [my son’s] pajamas. I could just kill myself for this!

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  6. Sam

    oooh ouch!

    The one thing that I did that stands out most is during an English Literature class when I was about 15 or 16 (eons ago!) when, for whatever reason, we were asked to imagine how we might kill our teacher (we must have been reading Shakespeare or something equally gory) and when it got to my turn I blurted out “burn the witch!”

    I must have turned five different shades of red once I realised what I’d said!!!! My classmates have NEVER forgotten that one, particularly as I was more of a goody-goody than not!!

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  7. bermudaonion

    When I worked at a bank, one of our regular customers hobbled in one day (he didn’t usually hobble, by the way). I asked him what happened to his leg. He replied, “I had to have it amputated.” The bad part of it was that I didn’t believe him and wouldn’t let it go – I kept saying, “No, really, what happened?” When he finally pulled up his pant leg, I wished I could sink into the floor. It was horrible.

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  8. Katherine

    A couple of weeks ago I was having a conversation with a woman who’d just got engaged. During the conversation, I said, “I would never marry someone I’d met on the internet.” Turns out, this woman had met her husband-to-be online! But I still stick by my statement.

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  9. Heather

    LOL. I do things like that every now and then, but not too often because I tend to be shy around people I don’t know, which helps prevent me from saying things I might regret. But my best friend, on the other hand, has this problem almost daily. She calls it her “foot in mouth disease”. When she says something to the tune of this, she tells me that her disease had a flare-up that day. 🙂 You can just start telling people that you suffer from this disease as well. 🙂

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  10. Becky

    Oh Lord, I’m master of this game.

    But recent events have made my brain all hurty, so I can’t think of any yet.

    [Reply]

  11. curlywurlygurly

    ohhhhh..that’s horrible! and so are the rest of these. i was cringing while reading them. here’s my most recent:

    i walked into the empty lunchroom area at our office and opened the microwave to make my lunch. the smell from inside the micro about knocked me over and i said, “EWWWWW! fisshhhhh!!” in a tone that implied ew, ROTTEN fish.

    as i moved to the other microwave, i noticed that room wasn’t empty after all. there was a woman sitting in the back corner hunched over a steaming bowl of fish. just kill me.

    [Reply]

  12. Rebecca

    In high school, I was best friends (and then eventually a couple) with a guy who was overweight. Not obese, but definitely carrying a few extra pounds. He was fantastic and smart and wonderful, and I didn’t really think I noticed the weight much. Until one night, at dinner with my whole family, he said something about dessert, and I responded, “No you shouldn’t, or you’ll get even fatter.”

    OMG.

    I meant to say, “or you’ll get fat,” but clearly, some Freudian slip was at work. It was so awful.

    Ten years later, and my family still won’t let me forget it.

    [Reply]

  13. jamie

    I just ran across your blog. This had me laughing 🙂 Not that it is funny, but it is in a morbid kinda way 🙂 I cannot pinpoint just one time I have put my foot in my mouth, it has happened too many times to count 🙂

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  14. Jessica

    In a college public speaking class years ago, we were talking about making sure that you avoid particular words in the public forum. Someone gave the examples “balls”. He asked me (why me?!) why one would want to avoid using the word balls in a public speech. I replied “because its distasteful”. Are you kidding me?! I still think about it every time I have to get in front of a class now.

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  15. Bookfool, aka Nancy

    I’m having fun reading the horror stories. I’m sure I’ve said something totally stupid, but in recent years I’ve become a much quieter person than I used to be and don’t make as many mistakes in that way. One thing I need to learn to do is concentrate on names/faces and stop forgetting them. You can tell me 20 times that you have two children named Elmer and Hank and I’ll still screw up and say, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had two children.” Little Hank will be 7 but I still won’t remember anyone but 10-year-old Elmer unless I’ve seen them both face to face. And even then I’ll forget both names.

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  16. Jena

    Before I met my sister’s boyfriend’s family, we were sitting in a Christmas Eve church service, and the guy in front of me was chomping gum like a cow, one of my pet peeves. After the service I turned to my sister and her fiance and said, “OMG, the guy in front of me was chomping his gum THE WHOLE TIME.” Of course, the guy was my sister’s bf’s brother. And she shushed me in that embarrassed tone and whispered who he was, expecting me to apologize to her bf; instead, I maintained what a horrible habit it was and how much it bugged me for the 1.5 hour service.

    Oy.

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  17. Kim L

    I really like the fact that you are still brave enough to admit to your foot in mouth moments. I know I have had plenty, but I try to forget them pretty much immediately. Because I want to die.

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  18. Amanda

    Hahaha..these are so funny! I am normally pretty quite because I know I will say the wrong thing but here’s a good example:

    It was the first time I was meeting my husband’s extended family and we were at his cousin’s house. We were talking about my mother-in-law’s computer and how it was running so slow. I had run a cleaning program deleting unused programs/files and one of them was a popular anti-virus program which was making the computer run slowly. I said something along the lines of how much I get annoyed at those anti-virus programs which are automatically put on your computer and bug you about buying their software every other day. Yeah, the cousin’s husband worked for that software company. Ouch.

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  19. Dawn

    thanks for the laughs at the end of a long day!

    [Reply]

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